Repair in Relationships

In times of conflict, it is easy to be left feeling stuck or disconnected. There might be apologies, but there is tension or distance.

If you experienced betrayal, you might feel it so deeply that there is no end in sight, no matter how much your partner has tried to fix things. In these scenarios, there must be a focus on purposefully addressing the experience to heal. This is called a repair. Repairs in a relationship are about getting back on track together. Healthy relationships repair early and often. A relationship rupture can best be healed with these foundations emphasized below.

• Accountability – Has the other person owned their actions? Have they been accountable for their behaviors? Have they reached out to you to initiate a healing conversation? It is important that a true apology was made that was intentional, specific and takes responsibility.
• Validation – It’s important that they understand what you are feeling and honor it. Validation confirms that the person’s thoughts and feelings make sense. This could sound like, “It sounds like you are really hurt.”
• Vulnerability – Is the other person showing up in a vulnerable way? If the dialogue is based in defensive or projective talk then vulnerability is most likely lacking. Additionally, if their approach is about being right and not holding space for your feelings, then your connection is lacking.
• Respect– In order to respect each other, conversations and conflict must not include any criticism or contempt. Lashing out in pain or anger only drives each other away. If you are hurting someone else, you need to look inward to heal from your own trauma and pain.
• Leaning in – A softening needs to occur for a repair with an overall effort to connect again. This could look like kind words, physical touch, soft gestures. The tension can then be diminished with tenderness. This is where some empathy can be displayed along with a confirmation verbally, physically, and emotionally that you love each other.

Even if these approaches are applied, the damage in the relationship might be too extreme to mend alone. It can be helpful to work with a professional in therapy to recover and reconnect.

If you have a question you would like to ask or a topic to be addressed in next month’s article, please email jenn@pinkertonpsychotherapy.com. If you would like to schedule an individual appointment, please contact us at 713.800.6999 or www.pinkertonpsychotherapy.com.