Why Do You Stay?

People often stay in relationships that are painful and unhealthy. However, this comes at a big cost to your emotional peace and self-esteem.

If you see yourself dating someone who is inconsiderate or inconsistent or emotionally unavailable, this is your cue to look inward, as what is really lacking is within you.

Staying in an unhealthy relationship where your needs are not met is about unhealthy attachment and unhealed trauma. Many people confuse having empathy and commitment to someone as the reason they stay, when it is actually a lack of boundaries and low self worth. The truth is that you are waiting for your partner to change, because you don’t want to. The actual change that needs to happen is within you.

We can’t change other people any more than we can control them. Our responsibility and change lies within us. When we begin to own our own behaviors, recognize the emotional work we have to do, have self-respect, self-discipline, and self-love, we can transform.

Self-respect looks like never begging for someone to treat you right. Self-discipline looks like removing their access to you. Self-love looks like standing up for yourself and what you deserve and leaving an unhealthy relationship.

You own your own role and are accountable for your life when you stop making excuses for other people’s behavior. This accountability looks like:

• Embody your self-worth and raise your standards.
• Listen to your intuition instead of living in denial.
• Forgive yourself for accepting the bare minimum.
• Release the internal shame from tolerating what you did in the relationship.
• Set healthy boundaries to avoid experiencing this again.
• Don’t ignore red flags. When they show you who they are, if it doesn’t meet your needs, then be strong enough to end it then.

Take a break from dating, go to therapy to heal from unresolved trauma and strengthen your ability to love yourself. The healing journey then provides a reprieve from repetitive toxic patterns and opens you up to receive healthy love, have your needs met, feel peace, and thrive in a healthy relationship.

If you have a question you would like to ask or a topic to be addressed in next month’s article, please email jenn@pinkertonpsychotherapy.com. If you would like to schedule an individual appointment, please contact us at 713.800.6999 or www.pinkertonpsychotherapy.com.