The Trauma of Anger

When children grow up and are consistently exposed to anger from their parents or primary caregivers, this can have a very negative effect on them as adults.

The type of anger referenced here is the high level of reactivity that does not match the situation. This can present as explosive outbursts infused with put downs, accusations, extreme statements, and overall volatility. Often children might hear that they are worthless, or be called very negative names, or deemed stupid. This trauma of anger demonstrated in a complex and repetitive way over years shows up in specific ways when children mature into adults.

Some of the most common ways this childhood trauma presents in adulthood are detailed below. If you experienced this trauma of parental anger, you may demonstrate these behaviors or feelings:

• You become very reactive if something doesn’t go your way or if there is an unexpected, unplanned turn of events that is contradictory to what you desired. This also occurs if you or someone you love makes a mistake. You can be reactive and unaccepting of the mistake and refuse to hold grace for them or for yourself.
• Your main trauma response is people pleasing. You might view other people’s emotional content and responses as your fault and internalize everything. You will constantly adjust yourself and shift your actions and behaviors and energy to ensure everyone else is happy for you to feel happy. You are hyper-vigilant and are always scanning the room, reading for others moods and emotions.
• You do not feel safe to make your own mistakes or get something wrong, as if you do then someone is going to be angry or disappointed in you. You feel as though you are a complete failure if you let someone down.
• You avoid confrontations and conflict at all costs. Conflict does not feel safe to you and you lack the self-assuredness to hold your own in conflict. You might cry and feel discomfort around authority figures. You are afraid to say or do the wrong thing. You do not trust your own instincts.
• You use your internal inner critic and negative self-talk as your motivation to get things done. You perpetuate the criticism and put downs to yourself to force yourself to complete tasks.
  If any of this resonates with you, you might want to seek professional help to heal from this trauma. In therapy you can create new narratives and shift to self-love and compassion. If you are a parent, perhaps this will give you an added perspective to work on emotional regulation and heal your own wounds. Learning how to “respond” instead of “react” is transformative.

If you have a question you would like to ask or a topic to be addressed in next month’s article, please email jenn@pinkertonpsychotherapy.com. If you would like to schedule an individual appointment, please contact us at 713.800.6999 or www.pinkertonpsychotherapy.com.