Intent versus Impact

If you are feeling hurt in your relationship and express that to your significant other, you are seeking to be seen and heard and have a conversation. You are expressing a desire to address something that is bothering you.

A partner might avoid accountability by stating that they didn’t mean to hurt you or might provide a defense to explain their actions. While it may be true that they didn’t mean to hurt you, that intention does not negate the fact that they are hurt. There is still an impact to discuss, there is still dialogue to be had. In fact, it is imperative that both people in a relationship create emotional safety to discuss concerns or issues. When concerns are brought up, if the immediate response is to state there was no intent for the hurt, that dismisses those partners feelings. In fact, some people believe that any complaint or concern that is brought up is conflict and denotes disrespect, when instead these conversations could be an open dialogue to communicate and express feelings in a healthy way.

This is not about taking responsibility for someone else’s feelings, but it is about creating a safe space to talk about those feelings and understand the impact of behaviors. Even if you don’t agree with your partner, a healthy relationship has a foundation of caring about your partner. If there is love present, then a basic minimum is to attempt to lean in and understand your partner’s perspective and feelings. If you decide to be curious instead of defensive, and assume the best in your partner, you will be more receptive to understanding their unmet need. Remember that all feelings are valid, even if you do not understand or agree with them.

Words can hurt, behaviors can hurt. Regardless of intention, the impact is real and requires accountability, not a default to justify our actions, express our intention and even counter blame. If we leave our partner feeling unheard and dismissed, we create even a larger emotional disconnection. Relationships cannot thrive without emotional connection.

Listen to your partner and give them the emotional safety to share feelings without being defensive, and see your conflict shift into more of a conversation, with connection.

If you have a question you would like to ask or a topic to discuss, please email jenn@pinkertonpsychotherapy.com. If you would like to schedule an individual appointment, please call us at 713.800.6999 or go to our website at www.pinkertonpsychotherapy.com. Please follow the REDHEADREVEAL® podcast on Apple and Spotify and watch us on YouTube.