Do Separate Bedrooms Mean Separation / Divorce?

It is a common and normalized expectation that romantic partners share a bedroom. In fact, if people sleep apart in separate rooms, there is an automatic assumption that the relationship is sexless or strained or over.

While this can certainly be true in some situations, there is a growing consensus of couples who sleep apart – so they can have better sleep.

While it goes without saying that falling asleep with your partner, having that cuddle time and closeness, fosters intimacy and tender feelings; however, if you don’t get any sleep when together, it becomes less appealing and does more to create feelings of frustration and resentment. Being well rested can foster loving feelings as well. Having the flexibility to be with your partner in the same bed on some nights, perhaps the weekend, but apart during the week to make for better sleep on school/work nights, makes sense for some couples. Couples also often experience a mismatch of bedtimes or bedtime habits. If one partner needs to go to sleep early and one likes to stay up late, or if one falls asleep to television but the other wants a quiet and dark room, this can be problematic and cause conflict. If there is a snoring issue or other night habits that prohibit uninterrupted sleep, this can be a constant source of contention in the relationship. Having separate bedrooms can resolve these issues and allow both partners to have their needs met.

Being apart to sleep doesn’t have to mean a sexless relationship. Instead, it can mean you prioritize the time you are together intimately. It also requires strong communication and discussion of what works for both partners which is always a plus in any relationship. This can enhance that time together and allow for each person to look forward to it. Also, just because you may sleep apart doesn’t mean you cannot watch a movie together or spend time together in the same bedroom talking about your day, but when it is time to turn in, the other partner can go to their bedroom.

In fact, some couples like the separate bedrooms so much, they decorate their own room and atmosphere to their liking. This structure provides personal space but doesn’t preclude the couple from having an occasional sleepover either. All in all, if the relationship is solid, the romance and affection is present, the respect and love is consistent, getting a good night sleep apart is no cause for worry, especially when you both wake up rested and happy to be spending your life together, just not in the same bed.

If you have a question you would like to ask or a topic to be addressed in next month’s article, please email jenn@pinkertonpsychotherapy.com. If you would like to schedule an individual appointment, please contact us at 713.800.6999 or www.pinkertonpsychotherapy.com.