Men and Vulnerability

There is often a disconnect in heterosexual relationships between what men think women want and what women actually want in a relationship. That difference is vulnerability.

Men are often taught to value and present invulnerability in a masculine role when in fact, women desire emotional intimacy and vulnerable connection.

One of the biggest contributors to this lack of vulnerability is the one down position of shame and the one up position of grandiosity. When partners show superiority combined with fear of intimacy and feeling emotions, this illustrates the need for deep change via trauma and attachment work. All relationships desire stability, connection, and companionship. Most couples have that present in the beginning, but lose it slowly over time. The growth opportunity is learning how to sustain that energy and connection together with each other.

Young boys are often taught to be strong, don’t cry, don’t feel and be independent. There is an idea that if a man isn’t those things they are viewed as weak. They might perpetuate that myth in their relationships with strength and safety, not realizing that vulnerability is what draws people together. Yet, in reality, everyone wants strength, but with an open heart, a sense of gentleness and compassion present as well in a relationship. Men often feel they are responsible for everything and aren’t allowed to feel. That pressure can be an opportunity for conversation and connection. When men are hurt or insecure, it triggers the one down emotions of shame which is pain, and then immediately they are afraid of that overwhelming feeling and go right back up to the extreme of grandiosity and superiority and often lash out in anger. Yet, if men can sit in that anger, shame, or pain and be courageous to feel to heal and be vulnerable, that is a vehicle for change.

The healing journey is filled with having a deeper way to connect with your partner by understanding yourself, your trauma and your triggers. Inner child work to heal from emotional attachment wounds allows for partners to feel the freedom to show up differently in relationships. Stepping outside of this focus on individualism and instead embracing the idea of connection and togetherness. After all, according to the words of C.S.Lewis, “The sure sign of a man’s strength is how gently he loves his wife.” So start loving and feeling, and see how your relationship transforms.

If you have a question you would like to ask or a topic to be addressed in next month’s article, please email jenn@pinkertonpsychotherapy.com. If you would like to schedule an individual appointment, please contact us at 713.800.6999 or www.pinkertonpsychotherapy.com.