Parenting 101

Am I a good parent?
This question is often asked and parents stress over what they should or should not be doing.

Most parents want to do everything they can to be a good parent. There are so many resources and books and information that it can be overwhelming. However, there are a few basic concepts that are universal and illustrate how parents should engage with their children.

1. Allow children the space to feel their feelings. One of the worst things is to encourage shut down a child’s expression of their feelings. “Stop crying” is damaging and instead it is important to promote conversation and show interest so you can validate those big feelings and show your support in helping them process how they feel.
2. Model the behavior you want to see. Do as I say, not as I do doesn’t work. Parents teach their children how to act based on how they act. Pay careful attention to how you as a parent handle anger, disappointment, conflict, etc. Your children are learning from you, so it is imperative you show them the way with your own emotional regulation, grace and communication.
3. Utilize natural consequences when possible. (when age appropriate and when it doesn’t affect safety) Instead of having a power struggle about wearing a coat on a cold day, they can experience the consequence of being cold if they chose not to listen to you suggest they wear one. This encourages the natural learning of cause and effect.
4. Give constructive feedback, not just negative feedback. It is common to only focus on aspects that children can improve, and that must be balanced with specific praise about things they are also doing well. Appreciation about how they handle things emotionally is also important to recognize.
5. Fear is never a motivator of change. Punishment only suppresses behavior. Communicate the behavior you want to see and work with your child to encourage that change with behavior modification, conversation, validation and exploration.
6. Provide love, emotional attunement and presence. While these seem obvious, take the time to ensure you are connecting emotionally to your child, being fully present when together and that you are affectionate and kind. These concepts are the most basic, but sometimes can be the most forgotten.

It is important to remember that overall children need to feel safe, seen, heard and soothed. Consistent and predictable environments rooted in these concepts are most likely to create emotionally healthy children who can grow into emotionally healthy adults.

If you have a question you would like to ask or a topic to be addressed in next month’s article, please email jenn@pinkertonpsychotherapy.com. If you would like to schedule an individual appointment, please contact us at 713.800.6999 or www.pinkertonpsychotherapy.com.